What I Do At Work – 4th Edition
It’s Superhero Day! I am SuperNewsie, bringing you the news on time every day. I even have a press pass from the Republican National Convention, but I escaped being arrested like the journalists because I can fly.
I would like to take this opportunity to blame DANA for getting me in trouble at work. Okay, I didn’t exactly get reprimanded, but I caused an awkward social moment and it’s all because I wore a newsboy cap as requested by DANA.
First I should explain that when I first moved to Minnesota last year I had trouble adjusting to the more reserved attitude here towards foul language and sexually explicit jokes, both of which might be considered the meat and potatoes of my brand of humor (with a hearty side of oddball and garnished with clever political satire). I remember one occasion last year when I was hanging out with some girls I had just met at work. We were decorating humorous valentine and anti-valentine cards. I showed them the one I had made for The Husband. It had a picture of a creepy rabbit on the front and on the inside it said “Let’s fuck like bunnies.” Ha ha, right? I don’t remember who, but one of the girls said, “Whoa, INAPPROPRIATE” in the midst of stunned silence. I apologized profusely and spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out the new rules. Clearly I had gone over The Line. I am very familiar with The Line, but usually in the context of, “What line – that line back there?”
On Superhero Day I spent about 45 minutes with a man who was trying to find a Roman soldier costume. He was interesting and attractive in a thin but uber-manly kind of way. Like a small, dark Italian guy who gets a 5:00 shadow by 2:00 and it’s just HOT because it’s he’s so dripping with testosterone. This guy had intense sparkly blue eyes and made eye contact the whole time he talked to me. I try hard not to flirt now that I’m married, plus I had just had a coffee and a handful of candy corn so my breath was probably horrendous and I was trying to stay out of breathing distance. But he was persistent and as I said, intriguing and strangely sexy.
After he had a costume and was up front checking out I went to the dressing room to clean up the extra clothes. D (a hip 30-something) was doing the same. I said, “That guy was totally fucking me with his eyes.”
She was shocked. With an embarrassed laugh and Minnesota accent she said, “Did that just come out of your mouth?” I started backtracking and trying to apologize when J walked in. He said, “Are you talking about that guy who seemed slightly autistic?” I explained that although he did have a way about him, I didn’t think he was autistic and in fact he had been fucking me with his eyes. J said, “No way, he’s totally gay.” I said I really didn’t think so; he had been looking me over A LOT. Not just once but the entire time I was helping him. D concluded that the two need not be mutually exclusive since I was dressed like a newsboy at the time.
Happy Halloween everybody! And thanks a lot DANA.